Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Hi..

So my actual blog was deleted. I just reused this URL because i want her to see this.

I love you. I miss you so much its actually crazy. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. You were literally my everything. I know i had to let you go because there was someone better out there for you than me but i am going crazy without you. I don't think its healthy for someone to miss someone this much. I used my blog just to talk to you. Because i knew you read it haha. Even though you kept denying it, it was my way to tell you whats actually going on without me being an awkward turtle about it. I just... bleh. I have a new blog cause yeah. I'm not giving you the link to that one though. Its kinda heart breaking tbh.

"I'm thinking about her too often; everything about her. I have her shirt still. It smells like her... :c God i cant. Its hard. I haven't seen her since i hugged her on the second to last day of school and the last time we talked was a while ago when she sent me a pickup line so for that moment we went back to 7th grade; a time when she was my Boobear and i was her Cupcake. ;'c it makes me sad just thinking about it. First love will always stick in my mind. We used to be inseparable and i know that our story isn't finished yet, it never will be. She will always be someone who owns some of my heart. She was honestly my Penguin. My soul mate. I miss her but don't know how to pick up from where we left off. We left off empty. I left because i thought she didn't love me and she stopped trying because she thought i didn't love her. A misconception caused two soul mates to separate and it still hurts thinking about it. I was going to change my room around but i physically cant because i'm afraid id lose the memories that happened here. Like when she asked me to change in front of her and i was like no cause i was over self conscious because i always thought i wasn't good looking enough for her. Or when she'd lay on my back while i was on the computer. Or how we'd just stare at each other while cuddling, memories of the I love you's and the spooning and the hand holding. The laughs and cheek kisses shared with her. The time we were gonna kiss at exactly 7:00 pm but i got too nervous i was gonna suck at kissing i chickened out. I remember the last time she came over she kissed me  two feet away from under the mistletoe and it was just so different and unexpected i looked like a lost puppy. And still today i can picture all those memories perfectly just by sitting in the center of my room and looking around. I remember everything. Watching movies together (especially the breakfast club, that was our movie), poking each other, slapping each others asses, watching her get so mad when i tickled her. She was the one, my best friend, my everything and she's gone and i still feel empty. No amount of weed, alcohol or other people i date can fill this hole that is left in my heart from her being gone."

I almost committed suicide baby girl. I wasnt gonna mention that but you should know I only didnt do it because i thought about you... I remembered how much it wouldve hurt you if i did. I put myself in your shoes and came to my senses. I still feel empty though. I keep wanting to invite you over but i cant because i dont think youd want to come. I know that if you ever did come over the first thing i'd do would be to intertwine our hands and just look you in the eyes and express how much ive missed you. I'd look you in the eyes deeply and say i love you a thousand times. I'd pull you into a tight hug and i'd try to keep myself together. I'd force myself not to cry. Because there's no way i could let myself break like that infront of you. Then i'd pull away from the hug and kiss your cheek, id kiss your nose and finally id kiss your lips and it'd be awkward as fuck because ive never kissed anyone before. And in that moment id start to cry... the butterflies in my stomach would be too much, the feel of your lips on mine would drive me to my edge. Id be so edgy and scared and after i pull away i'd hug you again tightly. Because ive missed your hugs so much. Its been too long baby girl. I just need you. I need you in my arms. I need my giant hands intertwined with your nimble ones. Id literally be the happiest person alive. Id be playing Demi while this is all happening just so it sets the mood haha. Im obsessed with her new album btw. Theres just so much i have to tell you. I want to hear you sing to me. I need to hear your voice. Ive missed you so much i kinda stopped eating again... I havent lost any weight though but it only just started 3 days ago. Im trying to lose weight so badly again. /.\ I need you. Youre the only one who calls me beautiful and i actually believe you mean it. Youre the only one i want to cuddle with. Youre the one ive been missing. I need my Boobear back. Please... i need you. Its been so long. Ive tried to keep strong for you. Im clean right now and i stopped counting the days because its useless. Im just clean. I almost broke a few times but i held on. Just imagined how disappointed youd be if you saw my wrist and it had cuts. I cant guarantee ill still be clean by the time you come over. Im being honest.

This blog started off just by me saying i miss you but since i talked to you like 20 minutes ago i realized how much i miss calling you my girlfriend. I want to do everything to make you happy and even though we used to fight a lot, you were always my number one and it didnt matter how mad i got at you or how mad you got at me because we still loved each other so much. Youre my penguin and im coming back for you. I'm your baby girl and youre mine. No matter what. God i keep crying. I just want you in my arms right now. Even my mom suggested you come over because ive been so lost and alone without you. /.\ I need you in my life. I just flat out need you.

So im gonna close this. Maybe i should just post about how much i love you on here. haha wouldnt that be cute cx. I love you. I love you more than the flowers love the sun, more than the fish love the ocean, more than a human loves air. I love you to the moon and back and even more but to the moon and back sounds really romantic. I just want to stand in the middle of my room and hug you and just hold you for the longest time. I want to share my stash of monsters with you and show you how ive been collecting the cans and putting them up on shelves in my room. I want to fall asleep cuddling you close and being awkward. I want to be with you again. Because this distance is what kills us. Alrighty imma go now. I love you a thousand times over. <3 *hugs*


~Your Baby Girl~

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