Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Merp, sorry

This is the last blog I'm going to write to you. It's going to be short and simple.
I don't know how I'm gonna go on right now. So much is happening and after the sleepover you just kinda faded away... I didn't message you repeatedly cause I literally don't know what to say. I just feel like crying all the time now. It's not because of you but because of everything that's going on. I can't say. Atleast not on here. Because random people read this blog haha but yeah. Just know that I don't know what my feelings for you are anymore. I know that's kinda horrible to hear. I'm too depressed right now. I'm barely breathing tbh. /.\ I don't know how to handle what's happening. But I'm trying. In every way possible. You don't have to message me on Facebook, call me or skype me. It's fine really. I don't even think I'd reply. Because I'm just so broken. And not even you could help ease this pain. So this is kinda like my last blog to you. Just stating what's happening. And why I haven't really made the effort to message you. I don't know if I miss you or not. I don't even know if I'm gonna go to VBS. I probably won't. Sorry, just stuff is happening and bleh. I'm gonna go now so goodbye Hayles.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Babes :b

Hey baby girl,
I just read this today. Damn I'm sorry I made you wait so long for this blog. /.\ I'm using the iPad again so yay! Anyways you need advice, so I'm gonna help you. You want to come out as bi. I remember when I first came out as gay. It feels like so long ago when in actuality it's only been like a year or less. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of thought. You have to go with your gut feeling. You have to make sure you feel like it's the right time. Most people already know though baby cakes. People will always suport you. I know it's very scary to even think about everyone knowing but it's honestly not that bad. I'm sure that almost everyone will support you and even if some people don't that's their problem. You're amazing baby girl and if anyone has anything bad to say they can take it up with me. I'll beat their ass in. Haha. And so will Jackie. She has your back just like she has mine. You have a lot of people who will always be there for you. All that matters really was that your mom supported you and she did so at least that big step is out of the way. Who gives a shit what haters think baby. You're a strong independent women who has me, if not anyone else. You'll always have me. No matter what you do.

I'd never intentionally hurt you baby cakes. I'd never lay my hands on you or cheat or anything. That would just be stupid. You're my baby girl, I want to keep you safe at all times. I never want to hurt you and I never want anyone else to hurt you. I swear to god if anyone even thought of hurting you, all you have to do is tell me and I'll beat the living shit out of them. I swear baby. You're my everything, my air I breathe, the sun to my shine, I'd go to the ends of the earth for you and back. I dunno, it just bothers me that you said you'd love me even if I cheated and beat you up... Mainly because I know you've been in abusive situations and I've been cheated and abused too recently. I'd never do that to you. It's absolute hell to be in love with someone who is doing those things to you so I'd never ever do that to you ever. No matter what. I'd never cheat. <3

I dunno,today kinda sucks. I want to break. Badly, but I'm trying to stay strong. Not to mention I don't have any blades anymore. Aren't you proud? I got rid of them the first time you called me. Haha during that skype call I threw them away. c: you helped me without realizing it. Yeah I'm just meh. I'm trying to feel better. I guess blogging to you makes me feel better. I haven't blogged on my other blog in a while. I really should. Meh. Maybe I will. I love blogging from this iPad. It's awesome tbh cx

So yeah my grandma is pretty much being a mean bitch to me but oh well. I honestly just am trying to not care. I want to get high. Haha my brother is getting me more stuff and Kayla has some stuff so we might all get high together one night this week. Wooppp. Cx bye baby girl. I don't really have anything else to blog. Oh wait, we must smoke together some time because a couple that gets high together, stays together. Plus we need to take cute selfies together of us blowing out smoke and stuff. Hehee im so dumb cx but you love me so yeah. <3

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Hey baby cakes.....

Hi, I'm using my grandmas iPad. She's being kinda mean to me cause she found out I drank mikes hard lemonade. Oh well. :D haha I'm so dumb. Warped tour was amazing. I wish I could've taken you. It would've been amazing. I would've definitely worked up the nerve to kiss you. I saw the cutest lesbian couple. They reminded me of us. They were absolutely adorable and the one I talked to was protecting her girlfriend from everything just like I would do to you if you went. It was so cute. She was over protective and everything and it just reminded me how I would've been if you were to come. She said she loved her girl too much to let her get hurt. It's literally me. Cx
I want to skype you tonight. I literally miss you so much haha. I don't know. You just take over my whole brain, all my emotions. You make me so happy baby girl. My mom still doesn't like you tbh and she keeps changing her mind whenever I say I want you to come over and then I reexplain everything and every reason why I want you over. I explain how I need to take you and kiss you deeply. I explain how I miss you so much, nothing but you can ease my depression. I explain how I miss the smell of your perfume and your scrunched up face in the morning. I explain how I need to intertwine our hands. I explain how I need to play with your hair and watch you smile. I need to cuddle you and say I love you in person. I explain how much I just need to watch the damn breakfast club with you. She says your using me but for what on earth could you be using me for? Exactly. I have nothing. I'm honestly ugly and I don't have much to offer but my love. So there's no possible way you could be using me.  But yeah I just it's hard talking to her. I'd get my brother to pick you up if anything. Cause we must have a sleepover. I decided ill do vbs but I'm so scared. I have horrible anxiety now a days. I can't really do anything in public. I'm just so fat and self conscious. Eh whatever. I wish you weren't so busy this week. But eh I'm kinda busy too. I would tell you all the little stories about warped tour but I figured that's something we could talk about, you know.
Screaming chicken wings at my bro because why not? Cx hahahahaha!!! My brother is concerned about what I'm blogging about cx lmfao. It's just a blog to my baby girl. Of course i didn't say that I just said stuff cx My uncle got arrested yesterday. He kinda had to see that coming. He has so many people out for him. Lol but whatever. He's out now. He got pulled over and they saw he had tickets and there was a mix up in everything. I'm so bleh right now. I dunno I feel kinda empty and stuff. I don't know what's wrong with me. At least the concert made me feel alive for a day. *sigh* I'm gonna  go baby girl. I hope we can Skype tonight. <3 I love you so much beautiful. :*

Thursday, July 10, 2014

To you baby girl...

Hey baby girl,
I love you. I don't know. That new profile picture is just so cute. But I've always looked at you and found you to be nothing but perfection. I've never thought you've ever looked bad and I just love everything about you. To me your always so perfect. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my everything. I know recently I haven't been ontop of my a game you know. I suck at finding the words to say to you now a days. I don't really know what to say to you anymore because I've got a million thoughts the run through my head and i only get out a few. I need more time to write stuff done and more original ways to say I love you. I will never be able to express my love for you just in words. I want to shower you in kisses and cuddles. I want to hold your hand and express my love for you to everyone who is around to here it. I want to pick you up and spin you around a thousand times. I want to go for long walks with you again and just walk in a comfortable silence. I just miss you. And I think about it too often. I find myself missing you more than I've ever missed anyone in my entire life. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. You're my baby girl for life babes and I just can't imagine finding anyone who could possibly make me feel the way you made me feel. I guarantee I will never find anyone who could motivate me to stay strong for so long. You're the only one who has  that power.

I want to go on about how gorgeous you are. I honestly haven't met anyone who can compete with your beauty. You're honestly the most beautiful person I've ever seen. On the inside and out. You're hair is always fabulous. You're body is absolutely perfect and baby girl that ass is looking finnneeee as ever. You're eyes, umf don't even get me started on how gorgeous your eyes are. I could look into those beautiful blue eyes forever baby. And your cute little hands that drive me insane. They're honestly the most  elegant hands I've ever seen. Your boobs are extremely alluring to be honest and just I've never met someone so breath taking. You have the perfect sized waist. You will always look extremely skinny to me. No matter what you say.

I want to say thank you for cheering me up most of the time. I kinda just feel down a lot lately since I didn't have you to cheer me up anymore but now that your back I'm extremely grateful to have you back in my life again.

My eye is puffy and it hurts and my tummy hurts and Kayla ditched me so I'm kinda just sad :/ I just want to be home with Sam cuddling him and just yeah. Instead I'm here on Kayla's bed while she's downstairs Skyping her crush making him feel better and I'm just like yeah.... Loner. Right here alone. Cx I don't even want to drink anymore cause I feel like it's making me more depressed. I guess it just does that. I dunno... Babe I wish you were here right now. I'm so bored man. And Kayla has this freaking vibrator that she just haddddd to show me and now I'm kinda really creeped out. Cx god help me. I have to pee again. Fml I always have to pee cx I drank too much I think. I dunno my head hurts. I guess from over thinking and shit like that. Atleast at home I can cry and listen to Demi. Here I have to just endure the pain I'm feeling inside and wait for sleep to take me. *sigh* I'm gonna close this because I really have to pee. Cx byes.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


So my actual blog was deleted. I just reused this URL because i want her to see this.

I love you. I miss you so much its actually crazy. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. You were literally my everything. I know i had to let you go because there was someone better out there for you than me but i am going crazy without you. I don't think its healthy for someone to miss someone this much. I used my blog just to talk to you. Because i knew you read it haha. Even though you kept denying it, it was my way to tell you whats actually going on without me being an awkward turtle about it. I just... bleh. I have a new blog cause yeah. I'm not giving you the link to that one though. Its kinda heart breaking tbh.

"I'm thinking about her too often; everything about her. I have her shirt still. It smells like her... :c God i cant. Its hard. I haven't seen her since i hugged her on the second to last day of school and the last time we talked was a while ago when she sent me a pickup line so for that moment we went back to 7th grade; a time when she was my Boobear and i was her Cupcake. ;'c it makes me sad just thinking about it. First love will always stick in my mind. We used to be inseparable and i know that our story isn't finished yet, it never will be. She will always be someone who owns some of my heart. She was honestly my Penguin. My soul mate. I miss her but don't know how to pick up from where we left off. We left off empty. I left because i thought she didn't love me and she stopped trying because she thought i didn't love her. A misconception caused two soul mates to separate and it still hurts thinking about it. I was going to change my room around but i physically cant because i'm afraid id lose the memories that happened here. Like when she asked me to change in front of her and i was like no cause i was over self conscious because i always thought i wasn't good looking enough for her. Or when she'd lay on my back while i was on the computer. Or how we'd just stare at each other while cuddling, memories of the I love you's and the spooning and the hand holding. The laughs and cheek kisses shared with her. The time we were gonna kiss at exactly 7:00 pm but i got too nervous i was gonna suck at kissing i chickened out. I remember the last time she came over she kissed me  two feet away from under the mistletoe and it was just so different and unexpected i looked like a lost puppy. And still today i can picture all those memories perfectly just by sitting in the center of my room and looking around. I remember everything. Watching movies together (especially the breakfast club, that was our movie), poking each other, slapping each others asses, watching her get so mad when i tickled her. She was the one, my best friend, my everything and she's gone and i still feel empty. No amount of weed, alcohol or other people i date can fill this hole that is left in my heart from her being gone."

I almost committed suicide baby girl. I wasnt gonna mention that but you should know I only didnt do it because i thought about you... I remembered how much it wouldve hurt you if i did. I put myself in your shoes and came to my senses. I still feel empty though. I keep wanting to invite you over but i cant because i dont think youd want to come. I know that if you ever did come over the first thing i'd do would be to intertwine our hands and just look you in the eyes and express how much ive missed you. I'd look you in the eyes deeply and say i love you a thousand times. I'd pull you into a tight hug and i'd try to keep myself together. I'd force myself not to cry. Because there's no way i could let myself break like that infront of you. Then i'd pull away from the hug and kiss your cheek, id kiss your nose and finally id kiss your lips and it'd be awkward as fuck because ive never kissed anyone before. And in that moment id start to cry... the butterflies in my stomach would be too much, the feel of your lips on mine would drive me to my edge. Id be so edgy and scared and after i pull away i'd hug you again tightly. Because ive missed your hugs so much. Its been too long baby girl. I just need you. I need you in my arms. I need my giant hands intertwined with your nimble ones. Id literally be the happiest person alive. Id be playing Demi while this is all happening just so it sets the mood haha. Im obsessed with her new album btw. Theres just so much i have to tell you. I want to hear you sing to me. I need to hear your voice. Ive missed you so much i kinda stopped eating again... I havent lost any weight though but it only just started 3 days ago. Im trying to lose weight so badly again. /.\ I need you. Youre the only one who calls me beautiful and i actually believe you mean it. Youre the only one i want to cuddle with. Youre the one ive been missing. I need my Boobear back. Please... i need you. Its been so long. Ive tried to keep strong for you. Im clean right now and i stopped counting the days because its useless. Im just clean. I almost broke a few times but i held on. Just imagined how disappointed youd be if you saw my wrist and it had cuts. I cant guarantee ill still be clean by the time you come over. Im being honest.

This blog started off just by me saying i miss you but since i talked to you like 20 minutes ago i realized how much i miss calling you my girlfriend. I want to do everything to make you happy and even though we used to fight a lot, you were always my number one and it didnt matter how mad i got at you or how mad you got at me because we still loved each other so much. Youre my penguin and im coming back for you. I'm your baby girl and youre mine. No matter what. God i keep crying. I just want you in my arms right now. Even my mom suggested you come over because ive been so lost and alone without you. /.\ I need you in my life. I just flat out need you.

So im gonna close this. Maybe i should just post about how much i love you on here. haha wouldnt that be cute cx. I love you. I love you more than the flowers love the sun, more than the fish love the ocean, more than a human loves air. I love you to the moon and back and even more but to the moon and back sounds really romantic. I just want to stand in the middle of my room and hug you and just hold you for the longest time. I want to share my stash of monsters with you and show you how ive been collecting the cans and putting them up on shelves in my room. I want to fall asleep cuddling you close and being awkward. I want to be with you again. Because this distance is what kills us. Alrighty imma go now. I love you a thousand times over. <3 *hugs*

~Your Baby Girl~